Today I talked to a close friend of mine. She is extremely successful person in her life. But her family, still cannot come to terms with it. They still think she is a fluke! They think it is impossible for a Chinese American young girl to be so successful.
It is unfortunate that tragedies starts in our own families. I my friend\’s case, (let me call her Irene in this story), I could not believe my ears when I heard of what she has gone through. As a child she had learning difficulties, and she was a dyslexic. But actually, she was really smart, in non-conventional way. She was extremely creative and meticulous. But these qualities in her were not discovered or given little or no attention. In such situation, family is crucial to support a child. But she faced the opposite. Her family victimized her more.
Her parents migrated to New York in late 1950s from Shanghai. She had a elder brother and an younger brother. Her parents had a hard time settling in in NY. They did all sorts of odd jobs. Her father finally managed to go to a business school, an evening school, and managed to be a banker. But the US education and lifestyle did not alter old Chinese thinking. Irene was considered nobody in her family. Irene made every effort to do the best in her studies and as a result, she got good results. But what was the consequence? She was beaten up mercilessly by her parents, yes, US-educated Chinese-American parents in NY, just because she got better grades than her elder brother. She was beaten up and often there were blood on the walls. She told me that her father was not acting normal. As the only girl in a Chinese-American family, she was considered a half child. This was reinforced by her grandmother whenever she visited them from Shanghai. This grandmother, who did not speak English well, would show her half of her pinkie to Irene to just to remind her that she was half a child just because she was a girl child.
Most shocking part of Irene\’s story was that she was sexually abused, not by anyone else, by her own father. In fact I met her father, who is in his late 70s. I could not think for a second that he is the man who has committed these horrible acts. He was gentle, kind and composed. I heard of a lot of sexual abuse stories in families, hushed up and buried due to \”shame\” and cultural circumstances. There are much horror in our own families and facts have been buried and made to disappear. On the outset, everything looks perfect and calm. But deep inside, it is atrocious horror–bloody and violent abuse.
Irene also told me her mother beat her up because she was more a beautiful young girl who was smarter than her mother. The mother was jealous of her own daughter.
Today, Irene is a successful woman, She runs her own business. She hangs out with world famous CEOs and personalities. She is kind and gracious. She has a big heart to forgive her own parents. She is regarded as a success story by the world. But in her parent\’s and siblings\’ eyes. In their eyes, she is just a fluke. She is just a half person. She is something of a mystery that defy their own cultural logic–how can a dyslexic, Chinese woman can be so successful?